You can tell a lot about the group dynamics of a recovery house by how well or poorly they drum together.
They can’t fake it.
When a group is experiencing harmony in the home, they groove. They don’t even have to try. It just happens.
However, if there’s someone who does NOT want to connect with:
- The present moment
- The facilitator (me)
- The fellas and/or gals also in the group/house
The groove breaks down. They either stop playing, never start, play their own thing off the beat, or just get up and leave.
Why?
Because group drumming creates a VACUUM for interpersonal connection. When the facilitator creates the pulse for the group to connect to musically and rhythmically, it’s an invitation to connect. The problem is that if someone doesn’t want to connect emotionally, they won’t want to connect rhythmically, because there is some sort of vulnerability and intimacy in making music together. Each person has to at some level subjugate their ego to the collective, and ‘meet on the beat,’ or meet inside the music.
The shame that pervades our culture around addiction is so intense that addicts close themselves off from their loved ones because 1) deep down, they are ashamed of their own behavior and 2) they are convinced that the people in their life will leave them “if they only knew the truth” about “how bad” a person they are. After all, they MUST be a bad person if they behave in such a destructive way that brings pain to everyone around them, or so they think.
Trusting that they can authentically connect and be accepted, “warts and all,” is sometimes too big an ask. Recently, one of my patients told me he didn’t trust ANYONE at the facility – not the staff, and certainly none of the other patients.
I told him, “Don’t worry about it. You don’t need to trust anyone here yet. Lemme ask you a question, though. Do you trust music?”
He cocked his head a little.
“Is there a band or artist that you’ve really connected with along the way that you trust?” I continued.
He immediately nodded affirmatively, “Yep. The Eagles.”
“Cool!” I said, “Is there a particular record or song from the Eagles you trust and connect with?”
“Desperado.” He replied. He was already smiling just saying it.
“Great. Trust The Eagles. Trust ‘Desperado.’ Stay connected with THAT until you feel comfortable enough to connect with anyone here.”
*******
Fast forward a week. Wanna know who’s COMPLETELY in the groove? My man “Desperado.” 😉
This is completely awesome. It gives me hope for my future work and has given me a new way to look at trust in my personal life as well.